I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
