my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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