Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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