there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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