I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Randomize
