im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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