I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
