im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
