ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Randomize
