i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
