Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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