Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
