Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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