Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
