a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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