About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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