ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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