i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
40s are totally the cure
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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