i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Randomize
