Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
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