I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
