Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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