I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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