Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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