god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
