I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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