how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
