I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
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