fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
