i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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