She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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