I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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