I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
