"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
