So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
