the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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