sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
