My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
