You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
