i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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