I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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