i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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