It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
