I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
she looked like the before picture.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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