my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Randomize
