Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
