well I can't set my house on fire every night
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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