Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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