You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
