I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
